


Undeserving

by StarlightXNightmare



Series: Septic Egos [9]
Category: Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye
Genre: Crisis, Depression, Guilt, Mentions of alcoholism, Mentions of verbal abuse, Recovery, Shame, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt Aftermath, compliments, self loathing thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 19:03:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15371271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlightXNightmare/pseuds/StarlightXNightmare
Summary: Each kind word, encouragement, and action made him feel even worse.





	Undeserving

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with the idea for this when I was struggling with my own self loathing thoughts at work. I meant for this to simply be Chase's struggles with self loathing thoughts but it turned into after he tried to commit suicide.

Each kind word, encouragement, and action made him feel even worse.

"You're doing so much better," Jack said as he sat by his bedside, chattering aimlessly about his day.

"You've made so much progress, sunshine," Jackie said as he visited when he woke up, bringing down a tray of food to the basement.

"Look at how strong you're getting, flower," Marvin would murmur as he sat on the side of his bed, using his magic to lull him to sleep when he got headaches preventing him from sleeping.

"Is perfectly fine you cannot do these things on your own yet, rainbow. You are still healing after all. Do not strain yourself too much. That will hinder your progress," Schneep reassured as he helped him through physical therapy, watching as he failed to do a task.

"It's great that you're doing better," Signe mentioned as she talked with him in the few moments they were left alone together.

Each kind word, encouragement, and action made him want to cry—from gratitude or humiliation he wasn't sure. As much as he felt better with the others telling him how great he was doing and showering him in affection, a part of him whispered about how he didn't deserve it—any of it.

He wasn't doing better. He was still having those annoying, intrusive thoughts that put down every achievement he's ever made and they made him regret surviving. God he couldn't even _kill_ himself right! A bullet straight to the brain should've killed him and somehow he managed to even fuck that up!

He hasn't made any progress! His depression wasn't going away, the thoughts weren't gone, and the urge to end his useless existence wasn't either.

He wasn't strong. Turning to alcohol to cope with his problems instead of getting help wasn't strong. Trying to kill yourself wasn't strong. Relearning things he had already known wasn't strong. Needing help from others to do basic things he knew how to do but was too weak to do so wasn't strong.

His eyes stung as the others continued to be gentle with him, telling him how amazing he was doing or reassuring him that he was doing perfectly fine. They should be angry with him for trying to do something so selfish. They should've kicked him to the curb by now and left him all alone. The shame inside just kept growing, consuming him from the inside out. he felt like a fraud—someone who had stepped into someone else's life and didn't know how to be happy.

Stacy told him he was nothing; she told him that he was a terrible father, a useless husband, a waste of space while all his friends spoke so fondly of him, telling him that he meant the world to them. He didn't know who to believe or what to be sure of. All he knew was that trying again—and succeeding—would hurt them... and he didn't want to do that, no matter how undeserving he was of their love and time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like Chase has a hard time accepting compliments because of how lowly he thinks of himself and he undermines every achievement and any kind of progress he makes. It's going to be hard to pull himself out of this mindset. 


End file.
